He can handle a mop and a mullet, thought he was Elvis, was a big noting bikie, owed lots of money in Shepparton and on the Gold Coast, cops found him full of grog when he crashed his car and he dudded his own family out of $80,000.
But friends are adamant he is no pillow biter.
It was 2001 when he first met Julia. She had just been elected to the shadow ministry and had wandered into a Fitzroy salon where Tim was working, just around the corner from 85 Kerr Street.
Of course Julia suffered Tim’s usual, well practised pick-up lines. He needn’t have bothered because Julia wasn’t a particularly good nor a hard catch.
Nor was Tim who already had plenty of form… and plenty of single women.
After a bit of sweaty wrestling in the cot, Tim dumped his regular Shepparton law firm partner, the pretty Jayne Law, for the far less aesthetic Julia.
But unbeknown to divorced father-of-three Tim, it was Julia calling the shots. It was she who dumped Tim for greener pastures where married men browse.
Influential Labor MP colleague Craig Emerson was her next target.
Julia found him attractive but strangely Julia’s contact lenses had gone missing at the time.
Anyway, after one agile night with Craig, Tim was a mere memory and Craig’s wife and kids mattered no more than Bruce Wilson’s had.
The enchanted Craig promptly left his wife and three children for the myopic Julia.
After Julia had bought another set of contact lenses Craig too was dumped.
In 2007 Labor won office and Julia’s communist background had rapidly ushered her to the Deputy PM position.
Soon, in a Labor Government bereft of talent, Julia found herself fingered by her old foe the AWU as the one to take out Rudd and set up a union supported radical Left agenda.
Now her coterie of married men partners was a definite no-no and she quickly made a call to the good old jilted, but single and broke, Tim.
The offer of digs at The Lodge sounded great and $250,000 p.a. pocket money seemed a lot of haircuts to Tim.
"You’re on", said Tim, "but I don’t want to be just a handbag, Jules."
Julia explained that he would be permitted to fly with her in her private plane and meet important people at the Richmond Football Club and that she had a little bell beside her bed and he could be expected to be summoned when needed.
"Ripper", said Tim, "…do I get a little bell too?"
"Nope", said Julia.
But Tim had a more important problem that needed fixing if his wildest dreams of becoming Australia’s first bloke were to eventuate.
You see, Tim’s poor father had put $30,000 into his son’s Shepparton hair salon business and his brother had borrowed $50,000 to invest in the venture.
But Tim had become bored with cutting hair and when staff arrived one Monday morning they found he had cleaned out the till and shot through.
There was also the little matter of $20,000 owed on the Gold Coast.
There were enough skeletons in Julia’s cupboard without Tim’s indebtedness rearing its head at an inopportune moment.
We have no idea who coughed up the green stuff but a union official got behind the wheel of his car and settled all of Tim’s debts in cash.
What else do we need to know about Tim except that he barracks for Richmond?
"Oh yeah, one more thing Jules, can I decide who gets to go into the Tigers’ dressing rooms after the game?"
"Of course you can Tim", sighed Julia. "You can even decide the nationality of whoever wants to stick a finger up your bum."
The Australian has reported today that Tim demanded Tony Abbott not be invited into the Tigers’ dressing rooms ever again and demanded Richmond CEO Gale raise the matter with Julia’s chief of staff, Ben Hubbard.
There ya go… being first bloke certainly gives you clout even if you’re not allowed to have your own little bell.
Mmmm, goodness me, what a wanker!