Thank you for your recent letter to The Immigration Department expressing your profound concern at the treatment of Islamic boat arrivals to our country.
As a concerned and compassionate citizen, you will be pleased to know we are creating a new Immigration department called Welcome To Freedom (WTF).
This new and innovative program will, on a trial basis only, place disturbed Islamic immigrants in the homes of concerned citizens such as yourself for personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation to your residence on Monday.
Mustafa Kamel is your nominated detainee and he is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure the standard of care is commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Mustafa is one of many suspected of destroying detention centres, and prone to incendiary outbursts, we hope that your sensitivity to what you describe as “attitudinal setbacks” will assist him overcome these slight behavioural flaws.
Mustafa is expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items out of reach unless, in your opinion, this may offend him.
Your adopted Islamic activist is proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills while helping him adjust to life in our wonderful country.
Please be aware Mustafa will need to interact with you and your family members regularly on a sexual basis. We are including a handbook that explains how to comply while wearing a burkah.
(Mustafa does not usually insist that male members of your family wear a burkah.)
Remember to respect his religious belief that females and household pets are a form of property and have no right of sexual refusal. (His needs should only be momentary ones.)
Mustafa may express some agitation if you fail to comply with the recommended dress code. But I'm sure over time you, and especially your constituents, will come to appreciate the anonymity you offer by wearing the burkah.
This is all just part of, “respecting the culture and religious belief”, you have so eloquently described in your letter.
Good luck and God bless your kindness.
Immigration Department, Canberra, ACT